Anxiety: 1. Me: 1?

Anxiety kicked my patootie on the first module exam I took back at the beginning of October. I got in the room, and essentially broke down. I had a panic attack. I took that exam while having a panic attack, without letting anyone know (because I'm just THAT smart). So I tried my best at my side table, and ran out of the room as soon as I was done. Well, I didn't too hot. I have to take the module over next year. What sucks is that it's not me, it's my brain. I knew the material - I studied! But my anxiety took over, and I let it. I let my disorder win one. Well, I didn't do that yesterday! Well, I think. So, here's the issue. We took that first exam back at the beginning of October, but they didn't give us our results until last Tuesday, less than a week before the NEXT exam! We had no time to apply more effort, be more engaged, study more, or change our method of studying. They stacked the cards against us. I did poorly on the first, and barely had time to process that fact before I had to take another exam. Oi.

So, the situation sucks, but I still won one. Part of me thinks it comes down to my grade. But, whether I did well or not, I managed to put off the panic attack. I managed to keep my emotions in check, NOT freak out, and remembered to breathe, and take my time. I was so incredibly proud of myself when I turned that exam in. I was still the second one done, but I knew that I tried my hardest. Now, if I can manage to control my anxiety when studying, things would be a lot easier. I might not have done too well, because I was so anxious when studying. But during the actual exam, I was ok. So, no matter how I did on this latest exam, this new module (starting today) will be taken one day at a time. I will breathe. I will engage myself. I will breathe some more. I will conquer. They can't kick me out that quickly.

must. not. fail.

This has not been a pleasant week by any stretch of the imagination. I enjoyed attending a drag show my friend was in and eating Chinese last night for dinner, but that's been about it. I found out I'll have to retake the first core course in grad school. I say "retake" because it makes me feel less like an idiot than the truth, that I FAILED. I failed a course. I've never done that before. I'm always the first test taker done, and almost always do quite well. I tend to retain information the first time. But, anxiety, that evil bitch, had a different plan for me. When I looked at that exam, I couldn't even read the first professor's questions, because I was so sick to my stomach. In the end I wrote some crap that was wrong. Later, looking at the exam (we got it back less than a week before the next exam), I could have answered them better, and probably passed, if only my anxiety had stayed away.
I had a meeting with one of the faculty, about "how the department could help me", which they really can't. I'm seeing a therapist, going on medication, taking up mindful meditation again, but these methods all take time. I'm not going to be much better by the next exam (Monday). At least I have a meeting with my therapist that morning, so as long as I can actually study this weekend, maybe she can help talk me off the ledge. If I fail again, I'm going to have to take a leave of absence. I can't risk failing another class; if I fail this next class, I don't see myself conquering that hump of personal doubt. And if I fail three? I'm out. Kicked out. Stuck finding a job I don't really want.
So, I'm going to make myself some art. It's going to have my goals on it. It's going to remind me why I come home miserable and drained. Why I'm putting myself through this difficulty. Not just because I'm a stubborn pain in the patootie, but because I want to teach. I want to be the first in my family with a PhD. I want to be Dr. Ladydid. I want to encourage students-especially women, in higher education. I want to do research. And most of all? I DON"T want to be that one person who fails the first year. I want to be standing at the end, successful, proud, and independently thinking. So, with that said, I'm off to study!

Dr. Isis scares me...

I'm slightly terrified now. First, because there's a man running around with a lighter, threatening the livelihood of my written word, and second, because of the red marks that will be haunting my dreams until Grad School starts this fall. So, here's a basic breakdown for those who don't know. There's two main types of writing in college: science, and everything else. Science has a particular layout scheme that requires careful thought, articulation, and logic. The same can be said for your basic English paper, but somehow, they are very different. English papers have the thesis, which lays out the next several paragraphs, where you argue your point, or analyze the situation. In a science paper, the thesis lays out your claim, where the rest of the paper is devoted to what you did, how you did it, why you did it, and what it showed. The final bit is normally "why I did this, and what it could mean for the rest of the world". It's the key to getting funded, or showing your funding that you weren't a complete waste of space and money.

Many college students enter the University knowing how to write English papers. They must learn, painfully at times, how to write science papers later in their undergrad career. Many students don't even tackle science papers until their junior, or unfortunately, their senior year.
I actually found the opposite to be true for me-I took so many hard science classes (as opposed to social sciences, those sad, weak, meager little creations...) early on, that I unlearned how to write an English paper. I then took some electives my final undergrad year, where I was forced (painfully) to relearn how to write non-science. I'll probably have a few more bits to say about writing scientific papers, and how to properly read them, after I'm done making myself feel better by cowering at my desk, and reading Nature.