Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Anxiety: 1. Me: 1?

Anxiety kicked my patootie on the first module exam I took back at the beginning of October. I got in the room, and essentially broke down. I had a panic attack. I took that exam while having a panic attack, without letting anyone know (because I'm just THAT smart). So I tried my best at my side table, and ran out of the room as soon as I was done. Well, I didn't too hot. I have to take the module over next year. What sucks is that it's not me, it's my brain. I knew the material - I studied! But my anxiety took over, and I let it. I let my disorder win one. Well, I didn't do that yesterday! Well, I think. So, here's the issue. We took that first exam back at the beginning of October, but they didn't give us our results until last Tuesday, less than a week before the NEXT exam! We had no time to apply more effort, be more engaged, study more, or change our method of studying. They stacked the cards against us. I did poorly on the first, and barely had time to process that fact before I had to take another exam. Oi.

So, the situation sucks, but I still won one. Part of me thinks it comes down to my grade. But, whether I did well or not, I managed to put off the panic attack. I managed to keep my emotions in check, NOT freak out, and remembered to breathe, and take my time. I was so incredibly proud of myself when I turned that exam in. I was still the second one done, but I knew that I tried my hardest. Now, if I can manage to control my anxiety when studying, things would be a lot easier. I might not have done too well, because I was so anxious when studying. But during the actual exam, I was ok. So, no matter how I did on this latest exam, this new module (starting today) will be taken one day at a time. I will breathe. I will engage myself. I will breathe some more. I will conquer. They can't kick me out that quickly.

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