I'm a cruel, cruel human.

(note the cereal on each paw as well....I swear she got to eat them after the photo was taken!)

Crossing fingers....

...Hoping Half Pint is preggers (and delivers safely in five weeks)
...Hoping I nailed my job interview today so I can make money again
...Hoping I find a dance studio to work at soon, since I miss it so
...Hoping I get out of this latest funk
...Hoping I get to cuddle sometime in the next week, cause I want a fricken hug dagnabbit!!!!

so peeved I could kick something.

but then my foot would hurt, because I'm not wearing shoes. So, after I found out my department didn't want me anymore for the PhD program, I talked to my PI, and said if he wanted me to finish the project, he'd obviously have to hire me as a tech, since I couldn't finish it this summer as a student. He said, "ok! We've got money! Send in your resume, and within a month, we should have things ready for you to come on as a tech, since we need one anyway!" So, now after a week or two of waiting with my resume in, I get an email saying (essentially), "sorry, we found someone who's a better fit than you."

I need a fracking drink. And a fracking job.

It's been too long...

It's been a while since I've posted, and there's a lot that's happened. Grad school managed to suck out my soul for the past year, and I'm happy to say, I'm no longer working towards my PhD at River Tam University. I'm not happy to be currently unemployed, however. That part sucks. The first bit was nice, and I got a lot of projects done around the house that I've had no time for. I finally got myself a piano, and moved some of my sheet music here to play again. That has been lovely (except one key seems to hate me....you evil high A). I fixed up the back yard, changing over my ugly temporary garden bed for a much nicer, wooden one-I'll probably write up a short tutorial on how to make raised bed gardens. I'm seeing someone, though we're not officially labeling ourselves yet, but I really really like him. I still have depression, and am still on medication. Or at least, I THINK I have depression-no one seems to want to give me a real answer on what's wrong with my brain. It seems even docs are afraid of the stigma associated with mental "disorders". I haven't had any crazy anxiety attacks in a while, which is fantastic. Most of the time, I'm quite good, but I do still have days (even on medication) when I crawl in bed and can't get out, and feel like there's a troll on my chest. On those days, I just cry, and wait for it to pass-sleeping helps, because it causes time to pass the fastest without me experiencing it. I bred Half Pint, so I hope to have little tiny Half Pints running around in....7 weeks? IF the breeding took....we'll see.

I've sent out my resume, and am continuing to send it out as I find more jobs I might fit the bill for. So, cross your fingers, and let's hope some more good news comes soon. Because, I'd like a job again. Mostly so I can buy fun farmer's market food and awesome cheese and dog toys and cookies. Yeah.

Been a while

Sorry, life has been insane. Funerals, barely surviving grad school, medication changes, yadayadayada. I'll provide more insights later. But for now, more as a personal reminder, to catch up with my "Disease of the Month" (which is considerably behind...), the next one will be Lesch-Nyhan Syndrome. Any requests will be considered for my catching up.

Half Pint: being cute outside.

quick update

I've got only a minute before I've got to continue my transformation....
Anxiety:1. Me:1. Purple hair? Not yet. There's one more exam before the end of the year (Dec), so MAYBE I'll start the new year with purple hair. Cause well, that'd be totally awesome. Half Pint might have worms, again. Ugh! Eating habits are lousy, BUT, she's totes in love with Peanut Butter! Gotta run. :D

Anxiety: 1. Me: 1?

Anxiety kicked my patootie on the first module exam I took back at the beginning of October. I got in the room, and essentially broke down. I had a panic attack. I took that exam while having a panic attack, without letting anyone know (because I'm just THAT smart). So I tried my best at my side table, and ran out of the room as soon as I was done. Well, I didn't too hot. I have to take the module over next year. What sucks is that it's not me, it's my brain. I knew the material - I studied! But my anxiety took over, and I let it. I let my disorder win one. Well, I didn't do that yesterday! Well, I think. So, here's the issue. We took that first exam back at the beginning of October, but they didn't give us our results until last Tuesday, less than a week before the NEXT exam! We had no time to apply more effort, be more engaged, study more, or change our method of studying. They stacked the cards against us. I did poorly on the first, and barely had time to process that fact before I had to take another exam. Oi.

So, the situation sucks, but I still won one. Part of me thinks it comes down to my grade. But, whether I did well or not, I managed to put off the panic attack. I managed to keep my emotions in check, NOT freak out, and remembered to breathe, and take my time. I was so incredibly proud of myself when I turned that exam in. I was still the second one done, but I knew that I tried my hardest. Now, if I can manage to control my anxiety when studying, things would be a lot easier. I might not have done too well, because I was so anxious when studying. But during the actual exam, I was ok. So, no matter how I did on this latest exam, this new module (starting today) will be taken one day at a time. I will breathe. I will engage myself. I will breathe some more. I will conquer. They can't kick me out that quickly.

How many times is too many?

Oh, if ONLY I could make this post about sex. But instead, it's sexism, specifically the misogynistic remarks of the one and only, supporter and creator of foolish/unscientifically founded anti-vaccine group generation rescue, J.B. Handley, also known as D**chebag. Oh, and in case you didn't know, he f**ks horses. And goats. He's an evil evil vile man, and should be pelted with purses and shoes because of the crude things he said to Amy Wallace.

must. not. fail.

This has not been a pleasant week by any stretch of the imagination. I enjoyed attending a drag show my friend was in and eating Chinese last night for dinner, but that's been about it. I found out I'll have to retake the first core course in grad school. I say "retake" because it makes me feel less like an idiot than the truth, that I FAILED. I failed a course. I've never done that before. I'm always the first test taker done, and almost always do quite well. I tend to retain information the first time. But, anxiety, that evil bitch, had a different plan for me. When I looked at that exam, I couldn't even read the first professor's questions, because I was so sick to my stomach. In the end I wrote some crap that was wrong. Later, looking at the exam (we got it back less than a week before the next exam), I could have answered them better, and probably passed, if only my anxiety had stayed away.
I had a meeting with one of the faculty, about "how the department could help me", which they really can't. I'm seeing a therapist, going on medication, taking up mindful meditation again, but these methods all take time. I'm not going to be much better by the next exam (Monday). At least I have a meeting with my therapist that morning, so as long as I can actually study this weekend, maybe she can help talk me off the ledge. If I fail again, I'm going to have to take a leave of absence. I can't risk failing another class; if I fail this next class, I don't see myself conquering that hump of personal doubt. And if I fail three? I'm out. Kicked out. Stuck finding a job I don't really want.
So, I'm going to make myself some art. It's going to have my goals on it. It's going to remind me why I come home miserable and drained. Why I'm putting myself through this difficulty. Not just because I'm a stubborn pain in the patootie, but because I want to teach. I want to be the first in my family with a PhD. I want to be Dr. Ladydid. I want to encourage students-especially women, in higher education. I want to do research. And most of all? I DON"T want to be that one person who fails the first year. I want to be standing at the end, successful, proud, and independently thinking. So, with that said, I'm off to study!

Dog parks and mini shows!

I took Half Pint to a local dog park on Saturday-she was rather confused, and didn't quite know what to do. But we shall return every Saturday so she gets more comfortable with other pups and peeps! While there I fell in love with this huge adorably sweet rottie Raven. Sooooo sweet! We played tug-o-war with Half Pint's rope until I fell out of my chair.

When to a mini show in the area; I'll try and post a photo of my purchases when I get home. I try to only buy things I can't make-or don't make.

change in calling?

I've been sick with the H1N1 flu, and instead of being semi-productive and studying, I instead discovered some amazing dog blogs, and bloggers that mention their dogs. I'm thinking, instead of procreating and increasing the human population and possibly losing my mind in the process (someday if and/or when I have a stable long-term relationship), maybe I should just adopt and rescue dogs. Actually, I'd LOVE to be able to do this right now, but it wouldn't be fair to my Half Pint right now to have to share my limited time, and I honestly can't support more pups while in grad school. Arg! Curse you situation. But, I have a goal now. I want to be stable enough to have a healthy horde of pooches. Yeah. Cause dogs are awesome. And sometimes I love them more than people.

Not sure how I feel about this yet...

So, I've been playing the "clicking game" for a few minutes now (ok, probably an hour or two), and have stumbled across some interesting things. (The "clicking game" is where you start reading one person's post, click their link, read that, click, read, click, etc. until you don't really know how you got to some very strange topics.) What I ran into, in the long run, were sites devoted to environmentally and eco-friendly sanitary products. I blame you, Dr. Isis. I started on your page, and now look at me!
Now, I like to think most of us girls grew up reading some Laura Ingles Wilder, which was my first memory of learning what a sanitary towel was, and how women handled their oh-so-fun periods. "Back in the old days," women would use cloth, wring it out, and dry it on the line. Not exactly something I see myself doing (I'm sure my neighbors would LOVE that!), but I digress. Now, we have modern (not always comfortable) conveniences like tampons and pads. But, with all the women on the planet, and a large group having a period every month, that's a lot of waste. There's not much we can do about that-once puberty starts, we're pretty much doomed to bloating, food cravings, lethargy, and dealing with a mess. Yes, we can take prescriptions to knock down the occurrence to four times a year, yes we can take prescriptions and meds to decrease discomfort, huge flows, pain, bloating, and most other ailments that can be brought on by our monthly cycle. But there's not much we can do about the waste. Or is there?

There's a growing trend (albeit slowly, since I've never heard of it til wandering the web a while), involving the use of reusable, eco-friendly sanitary products. For those who like pads (and overnight use), there are some rather pretty organic, reusable (washable) products available (second image). I like this site. For those who prefer tampons, there's the Mooncup (first image), and... sea sponges (third image). I really like this idea of reusable, sustainable products, because well, not all of us are strong empowered women who don't care about taking up space in the sanitary aisle. I at least, hate bringing tampons through the register when the cashier's male. I just feel bad for him! Most guys don't like talking about it or acknowledging that we're menstruating, except when it bothers their lives (no sex, we're "PMSing", we're moody, blah blah blah, whine whine whine). Even more that my dislike of shopping for tampons, I love this idea of a reusable product because I hate throwing shit out! I try to recycle everything I can, give things second lives, freecycle, and I shop at the Goodwill! Ok, that last bit's partly because I suck at spending money, but still. While I applaud these sites for developing and marketing environmentally friendly products, I'm wondering if I can actually trust them to try them. Because no matter how many testimonials I read, I'm still going to wonder about the Mooncup leaking, falling out, the sponge getting lost, and getting stains out of the pads (unless they're black or burgundy fabric). But, spending a bit of money to save a lot of money and help the environment might be worth me risking a little embarrassment. What about you?

I didn't know your name, but thank you.

I'm watching President Obama's speech at the Human Right Campaign, and well, am moved to tears. For starters, it's amazing to have a president again who can speak fluently, eloquently, and with purpose. It's amazing to finally have been able to vote, and have my opinion be known. It's even more amazing to finally have someone who cares about righting the wrongs done to so many people for so many years. It's incredible to hear someone speak of change, and actually believe in it.
This issue of equality for the LGBT community has been near and dear to my heart for many years. I grew up attending services on Sundays in a small church, with a lesbian couple. They were (and still are, thankfully) two of the most amazing people I have ever known. Their incredible kindness, caring, and strength have affected many lives for the positive. They're both nurses, and now getting on in years. But they still keep their home a warm and loving environment for children in need. For children who's parents can't care for them because of medical need or developmental need, these two women have stepped up. I have seen many children come, age, and go, departing this world after only a short time because they were born so sick. I love these two women so much, but am greatly angered that they do not have the same rights as I do. They are denied basic rights that I have access to, should I marry. I can marry. They cannot. I want this to change.
I've known those two women my whole life, but there's another who I'd love to recognize for her outstanding courage and strength to not deny who she was. When I was a freshman in high school, there was an eclectic, unique woman who was interning with my geometry professor. This girl wore colorful clothes, baggy shorts, short hair, many piercings, and buzzed hair. She didn't shave her legs. She was the complete opposite of the standard high school student. She refused to lie to the world about her identity, and I loved her for that. I was confused by her, until I heard a poem she wrote performed at our Reverie club afterschool. She wrote and performed a poem about the death of her razor. She was so strong, so powerful, so unabashedly gay, that I wanted to hug her and kiss her.
I know what it's like to be gay in high school. Maybe not completely, because I myself am not gay, but I've been there when a friend was too afraid to get his things from the locker room, because the other guys couldn't handle his homosexuality. I've been there when friends have been humiliated, both publicly and privately. I've tried my hardest to support them and defend them, to encourage and protect them, from the harsh cruel world high school can be. Not all LGBT individuals survive high school. It's an absolute abomination and travesty that we can go about our lives not acknowledging this, and doing something about this.
I've written my new representatives, I've celebrated Day of Silence (April 16th!), I've supported my friends and strangers. But it's not enough. Nothing I do will be enough until equality is reached. Please, if you have felt love, think what it would be like to be told your love is wrong. Your life is wrong. That you, your identity, is wrong. If you have children, or want children, think how it'd feel to be told you're not fit, that you can't HAVE them. Think how much that would hurt. And remember that pain, because that's what many LGBT individuals experience daily. So, please, don't sit idle waiting for change to find you and your community. Help change come. Contact your representatives, email the president, march peacefully, and support and love your neighbor. Love is human instinct. How dare people try to take that from others.

appology to a friend

Dear L;
I am so very sorry that during high school, I gave you weird looks for talking about feminism, and reading the standards. At the time, I was foolish and naive, believing that equality had been restored to the world for women before we were born. Now, I realize, I was an idiot. Yes, women have made great strides, but men still outnumber us everywhere but the grocery store and salon. There are more male CEO's. More men who've received a Nobel prize. More men in high ranking positions than women. At the time when we were at school together, I thought you were behind the times. Little did I know that some years later, I'd be trying to catch up to you. You were and probably always will be, lightyears ahead of our time. I love you, and you are an amazing, powerful woman, and I hope you manage to kick some serious patriarchal ass in law school and beyond. Show them who's boss. And keep reminding me that I need to remove my rose colored glasses and exchange them for your yellow ones.

Again, I'm sorry for being a sodding boob in high school.
Love,
K.

Oh anxiety, you evil friend.

So, we had our exam for our first module in grad school on Friday. And now I have maybe half my eye lashes, and half my eye brows. Woot. Trichotilomania is currently classified as an impulse control disorder, though some are starting to classify it with "body-focused repetitive behaviors" (BFRB's). It can manifest itself differently between individuals; it can include hair pulling from eyebrows, beards, eye lashes, arms, legs, armpits, and pubic regions. For some, it's a mild nuisance that can be controlled by remaining focused on one's actions and thoughts. For others, it completely eliminates the ability to think until the tic is completed.
The act itself can be both relieving and stress-inducing. Some people feel tension before pulling, some during, and many, after. The actual act itself of pulling out one's hair for many, is relaxing and slightly enjoyable. Some feel as though there is a particular hair that hurts, and once it is removed, the stress leaves. However, by this time, they may be missing a rather large chunk of hair from that part of the body. After the tic is completed, the damage may be significantly noticeable. Individuals often feel stressed and self conscious that others can see the destruction the behavior has. For me, I can at least fill in my eyebrows with makeup, but I can't cover up my missing eye lashes without fake ones, which just make the tic worse for me. If the tic is affecting your every day life, you should try to seek help for it. For more information, visit the trichotillomania learning center.

Would love some opinions

I've been floating around some pretty awesome feminist blogs as of late (thank you I Blame The Patriarchy for this latest post concept). BDSM. Is it totally awesome, partially ok, or completely wrong? Does it reinforce the patriarchy by negatively affecting the individuals?

I think Jill has an excellent point. No matter where you are in your life, or have been, you've most likely been in a dominant/submissive relationship. Everyone plays a side at some point in their life. I'm not necessarily talking about sexual exploits though. Think about it. You've surely kissed up to a professor, or a boss, or a family member. Maybe even a friend who had something you wanted. You've also surely been the dominant personality, holding power over another individual, possibly using it for extraneous gains? Then of course, there's the relationship side. Someone always makes the decisions. One person is usually asking for something more than the other. A commitment, sex, food, time. I'm not so keen on S&M being so constant in all aspects of my life. I'd much rather confine it to the bedroom, when both people are feeling kinky. But yet again, one person always wants it more. S&M Barbie? I think I'm going to spew.

Sitting at my terminal...

So I'm in my first rotation, and it's going pretty darn well so far. However, I made a grave miscalculation on Monday, and am still paying for it. I'm working on molecular modeling, where I use computers to help characterize and test potential protein structures. It's pretty awesome, I think. My project is to try and determine the closed state of a particular membrane protein. We know (well, we're pretty sure) what the open state looks like, but no one has been able to determine the closed state. X-ray diffraction and crystallography aren't helping either at the moment, because the darn thing doesn't want to crystallize in the closed state-only the open. And it's got to shut off some time... Anyway, I've been working on a scripting code (I feel so nerdy!) that lets me take a part of the protein, move it through space, and see if that's a possible structure. If it's possible (based on Van der Waals interactions and sterics), then my program calculates the energy of each and every atom, so I can determine the gating charge. We know what the value should be. So, it's pretty much guess and check. I guess a structure, check the value, and either keep or punt it. So far, I've been doing a lot of punting.

Monday, I got the best version of my program ready, set it to run 20808 structures, and pushed 'go'. I thought it would take eleven hours (finishing before dawn Tuesday). It's been almost three days... It's still thinking. I keep going over the code, because I'm convinced there's a glitch. But I won't know until around 4 today, which, unfortunately, is when the University is going on lock down. There's some silly convention thingy that's taking over here. I think they call it the G20?

Protect the Animals!

Made an interesting discovery while wandering the halls of my bat cave (Ok ok, it's really just a lab building, but it sounds cooler if I call it the bat cave-even though it's not underground). So, the science buildings are all connected on the interior, but one of them's....invisible. I know it exists, the other researchers and professors know it exists; some even work in there. But it's not on the map. There are no signs. No labeled entrance door. It's....hidden. And why, might you ask? Because it's where all vertebrate research occurs. As scientists, we have to protect ourselves and our subjects by NOT letting the public know where they are. I really don't know how I feel about this.

reverse sneezing

So, middle of last night, Half Pint wakes me up by making the most god-awful, terrifying noise ever. At first it sounds like she's going to be sick, but she's not really heaving. With every exhale and inhale, she makes this noise-not quite a hiccup, not quite a burp, and not quite getting sick. It's actually called, the REVERSE SNEEZE.